Who am I?
The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
You really want to know?
Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.2
OK, So maybe that wasn't what you meant
Let's try this, then. I'm a:
- I like to build stuff. More specifically, I like to solve problems. Solving a tough software challenge makes me feel like a million bucks (or this). I can easily say that my job is my hobby.
- Self-proclaimed "Foodie"
- Having spent a number of years in the restaurant business, I've learned a trick or two when it comes to cooking. That said, few things are better than a chili dog and a beer.
- Pain in the ass
- Borderline neurotic, I can't get into bed at night unless the bed is made. I like my routine and get agitated when it varies. I hate crowds. I can't stand a cluttered workspace, but can compartmentalize like a pro.
- Clydesdale (not the horse)
- I won both my age group and the Clydesdale (over 200lbs) divisions of a few triathlons that I've done. At the Topeka Tinman Triathlon in 2010, I accepted my award (a bottle of wine) with a bratwurst in one hand and a beer in the other. Proudly.
- I spent 7 years in the US Army carrying a rucksack and a rifle. I have the back compression and bitter outlook on life to prove it, too.
For those who prefer the books with the pictures, here is a simple graphic. The following items (not necessarily those listed above) are ranked in order of importance. The percentage values are not to scale, trolls.
A quasi-random list of things that are important
- Being a good father
- Being a good husband
- A good bottle of wine
- Chicken and stuffing for dinner
- Other crap
- Other terms could've made the list, but my editorial perogative (and fragile ego) prevented their inclusion. These terms include the following: (list is not exhaustive)
Misanthrope, Beer drinker, Smoker of Fine Meats, Jerk (depending upon the question respondent), Fast Old Guy, Ping Pong Wizard, the target of the phrase "Box of wine would be good for him".
- Not really my life, but Dr. Evil's life.
- This isn't necessarily a footnote, but if you're a company checking me out to see if we should work together, and any of this content somehow "offends" you or "puts you off" or makes you want to "retch", then we probably shouldn't be working together anyway. Cheers, and good luck with your search.